When you like someone, you know it and feel a connection. The same is true if you are repelled by them. This is called interpersonal attraction.

Usually when we hear the word “attraction,” we automatically think of romance. We think of physical attraction as the only type. But there are many different types of interpersonal attraction besides the one in the romantic sense.

Have you ever met someone and thought, “I feel like I’ve known them forever, and we’re going to be really great friends!” Well, if you have ever experienced that, you know what interpersonal attraction is. But let’s take a closer look.

What is interpersonal attraction?

Interpersonal attraction is the attraction between people that leads to romantic or platonic relationships. It’s a process that’s not necessarily related to physical or sexual attraction.

Interpersonal attraction is also related to how much someone likes, dislikes, or even hates someone. It’s like an invisible force that either draws people together or keeps them apart.

The range of attraction between two people can be anywhere on the continuum of extreme attraction to extreme repulsion. [Read: Does he like me? 101 subtle signs and body language cues guys can’t hide]

The importance of interpersonal attraction

Having interpersonal attraction is important to human beings because we are a species that is social. Attraction among people helps to form social bonds and networks. This becomes the basis for happiness, satisfaction, and overall improvement in the group a person is in.

It is also hard-wired into humans’ brains for survival purposes. Identifying who we are attracted to and who is attracted to us provides more defense and odds of survival – especially ages ago back in the caveman days.

The instant repulsion of someone also serves survival purposes too. [Read: Why does everyone hate me? 69 things you do that people probably don’t like!]

If you have a gut instinct that someone is bad news and you should stay away from them, then you might be protecting yourself from something dangerous in the future.

While we are not cavemen anymore, our brains haven’t really developed that much since those days. We still operate in a lot of the same ways when it comes to survival.

Definitions and types of interpersonal attraction

The types of interpersonal attraction we have for other people can be either romantic or platonic. And it can be with someone of the same sex or the opposite sex. [Read: 45 secrets to get a boyfriend and tips to find the perfect man of your dreams]

That’s because human connections are very complex, and how we feel about someone is related to a lot of different factors. So, here’s a look at the two different types of interpersonal attraction.

1. Short-term initial attraction

Sometimes we meet someone and think we’re going to be friends or lovers forever. It’s almost like fireworks go off for us both and we are caught up in a frenzy of excitement. 

That’s called short-term initial interpersonal attraction. It’s the feeling of connection when we first meet someone, and it can continue for a while afterward. But sometimes… it doesn’t. [Read: The secrets to getting someone to like you in the very first meet]

2. Long-term maintenance attraction

You’ve probably experienced the “fire go out” in either romance or even in friendship. After a while, they really bug you, and you realize that the two of you really aren’t that compatible. 

If that happens, you don’t have the long-term maintenance attraction. Because for attraction to last long-term, you need to have an enduring connection that nothing can break. [Read: Falling out of love and why it happens to the best of us]

What causes interpersonal attraction?

Have you ever wondered why you are immediately attracted to some people and not others? And why do some of your relationships last – friendship or romantic – but others don’t? 

Well, there are a lot of reasons. So, let’s take a look at what fuels interpersonal attraction.

1. Appearance

This is an obvious one as far as romance goes. That’s usually what we notice first and attracts us to someone – their physical appearance. [Read: The rules of attraction as explained by science]

But regardless of whether it’s a sexual attraction or simply noticing how someone looks or dresses, appearance plays a role in whether or not we have an interpersonal attraction with someone.

2. Similarity

When you meet someone and you discover that they like doing the things that you like doing, it’s exciting, right? And also, if they have the same political views or outlooks on life, you are somewhat amazed.

It fires us up to find people who are similar to ourselves, and when we do, we want to be around them. Not that opposites don’t attract, but finding similarities does draw us to people. [Read: Relationship compatibility – what it is, 40 signs you have it, and ways to improve it]

3. Complementary traits

On the other side of the coin, sometimes the opposite traits do attract us. Maybe you’re an introvert, but you find yourself drawn to extroverts. 

Or maybe you have great social skills but are a technological idiot. So, then you might be intrigued by people who do and think things the opposite of you. 

As the saying goes, sometimes opposites do attract. [Read: In a relationship with a polar opposite? 15 truths revealed]

4. Competence

It’s not surprising that a lot of people are drawn to others who seem like they have their act together in life. 

If they have a successful career or have some other aspect of themselves and their lives that you find impressive, then you will likely have an interpersonal attraction to them. Whether the feeling is mutual, however, well… that’s a different story.

5. Self-disclosure

Self-disclosure is how much we reveal about ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings to another person. [Read: 30 ways to get to know someone, open up to them, and create a genuine bond]

It’s difficult to become emotionally intimate with someone who doesn’t tell you much about themselves. So, when we do learn about another person, we automatically do feel like we have more interpersonal attraction to them.

6. Proximity/distance 

You might love your best friend from kindergarten with all your heart, but if she moves to San Francisco, and you’re in North Carolina, well, the friendship might take a hit.

Not seeing or talking to each other on a regular basis might diminish your interpersonal attraction over time. [Read: Are you losing a friend or are you two just drifting away?]

Plus, you’ll both meet new people with whom you might form new friendships with who are geographically closer to you.

7. Life stages

Sometimes, whether you have an interpersonal attraction with another person depends on what life stage you are in.

For example, let’s say you’re 22 and just got married and had a baby. But if all your college friends are still out partying every night, then your compatibility with them has gone down. [Read: May December relationship – 22 truths, problems, and why it works so well]

Therefore, maybe you’re more likely to hang out with a couple in their mid-30s who also just had a baby because you are all in the same life stage.

8. Personality type

Sometimes opposites attract, and sometimes they repel each other. But typically, people tend to like people who are similar in personality. 

For example, an introvert might prefer to be with another introvert and an extrovert with an extrovert. A homebody prefers another homebody and a person who likes to be on the go all the time prefers the same. [Read: Lusty signs of sexual attraction to keep your eye on]

Reciprocity in interpersonal attraction

Another important factor in interpersonal attraction is reciprocity.

When someone expresses that they like you, it makes you like them back, right? We mean, if they like you then they must have great taste in people!

When someone likes us – romantically or platonically – then it automatically makes us like them a bit more. That’s not saying that you can become physically attracted to all people who are attracted to you, but it does make it a little more likely.

A classic study was done by Backman & Secord in 1959 where participants interacted with someone who they thought was another participant but wasn’t. Afterward, the participants “overheard” the fake participant talking to the researchers and either said nice or critical things about them.

The participants who heard nice things liked the fake participant more than the ones who heard critical things. This held true even with the fake participant acting the same way in every interaction.

This proves that if someone says nice things about us then we tend to like them more. But why is this? [Read: Why don’t girls like me? 25 brutal reasons she’s just not into you]

Because it shows that our perceptions of someone and how we feel about them aren’t just due to how they act toward us. They’re also shaped by how we think they feel about us.

This makes sense and can be beneficial as well. The people who like us are more likely to want to see us again, treat us well, and give us help if we need it. It also helps our self-esteem and confirms that we are likable people.

Another study found that while we like people who like us, this is most apparent when the liking feels unique. For example, if you feel liked by someone who likes everyone, it’s not nearly as attractive as if you’re liked by someone who likes no one.

In a speed-dating study, they found that while being liked uniquely by another person was good, people who liked everyone they met were not as well-liked by others.

In addition, getting a positive comment on Facebook by someone you’re interested in might feel good and make you like them more until you realize they comment on everyone’s posts.

What about playing hard to get?

If we like people who like us, then why does playing hard to get work for some people? It seems like it would be a bad strategy to get someone to like us. However, it’s one of the most classic pieces of dating advice.

But playing hard to get works in part due to the enjoyable and exciting nature of uncertain positive events and the fact that we spend more time thinking about them than certain events in our lives. [Read: 32 secrets to play hard to get with a guy selectively and leave him smitten]

What about unrequited love?

Similar to playing hard to get, you would think that unrequited love would not be a factor in interpersonal attraction. You would think that if someone didn’t love us, then we wouldn’t love them back. But that’s not necessarily true.

The importance of having another person feel the same way about you seems to suggest that people wouldn’t waste their time on unrequited love. So, why do people waste their time on people who don’t like them back?

One reason is that they believe the other person will eventually come to realize that they are wrong and that their love will be returned. While that could happen, sometimes it’s just a fantasy that is created in people’s heads and never comes true. [Read: Unrequited love – how it feels and healthy ways to deal with it]

Social Exchange Theory

Finally, another big factor in interpersonal attraction is what researchers call the Social Exchange Theory. 

In a nutshell, it says that we are likely to form a relationship with someone if we perceive that they will make our lives better in some way. And we’ll stay with them until we think the costs are getting too high and they’re making our lives worse.

So, basically, it’s the whole cost-and-reward scenario. And the “what’s in it for me” syndrome. It sounds kind of selfish, but it’s how we humans are. We want to hang out with people who make our lives better, not worse.

[Read: 20 signs of attraction in the first conversation]

There you have it – all the ins and outs of interpersonal attraction. As you can see, it’s a complex phenomenon. But it sure does explain why we are insanely attracted to some people and are indifferent to others.

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.